It’s not fair that I miss you, it is not fair that I miss
someone who doesn't give a fuck, and it is not fair that I care if someone
gives a fuck about me missing them.
It is not fair that whenever I’m sad I think of you and it is
not fair that When I’m sad I try not to think about you but the freaking’
firehouse nearby my office reminds me of you every single week. I try not to be
sad but happy, but its boring, people are boring, I think you are boring, but
you are the only boring person that I like right now, the only one who can fart
in front of me and I don’t feel disgusted, the only one I can think of not
having a straighten teeth and still think is beautiful.
My friends tell me I am nice, and smart and intelligent
and independent, and guys ask me out but I compare every one with you, and it’s
not fair with them, nor is to you.
This is not about your strong arms or your big dick, it is about
how I felt when you were around and how much I hate myself for not being able
to find that in someone else who can care about me.
It is not fair to you that I treat you like this, but I don’t
give a fuck, I don’t care because you are pretty far, and you cannot see my
face when writing this
It’s not fair that I contain my impulse of going up to Chicago,
and it is not fair all the fear that I feel whenever I think about going there
and see you again. Because all the things that I want to say turn in silence
when you are around and I act like an idiot who cannot control herself.
It is not fair that I do everything that is possible to stay out
of your life (you keep me out anyways) but I am always worried about the fact
of losing you in a real way, like something can happen to you and how would I
know. Reading news about Chicago? Or just writing a silly message to see if you
reply and that way I can keep breathing because my Zack is still alive.
Life is unfair, we both know, but still is awesome that I got so
vulnerable in front of someone who is not even close to who I thought I would
be falling for when younger. I don’t talk with you about books, or music or
philosophy (well maybe we do in a kind of way) but not in academic style, which
was and it is my style to judge people. It is awesome how fascinated I get when
I listen to your words because they sound sophisticated and I love when
languages sound that way.
It is awesome that I want to be a better person since I met you,
but I still manage not to lose my identity to become what you would like in
someone, cause I don’t know you, so I don’t know what you look for in a person,
And I don’t know if it is pathetic or not but whenever I’m making
choices I say to myself, yeah, this is right, this is good, and If Zack were
close by, he might be saying, Nice Alejandra, although I hate myself for
thinking that way too.
We might just end up having sex every 5 years whenever we meet,
cause it is fun, or maybe not, I don’t care, I can keep becoming amazing and
keep myself young and beautiful, so I can pass by when you are fat and bald,
and say, hey…it is so good to see you again.
Cause I already fucking know how gooooood it is to see you
again, and it is not fair, cause I was fine, or at least trying till the day I
saw you after I thought It couldn't be possible ever again.
Anyways, I'm just saying all this that I might regret in few
minutes cause I got nothing to lose, cause as long as time goes by things get
blurrier, but I don’t know when I will die, or when would you. Not being
dramatic, just thinking that life cannot be taken for granted So I
need to take the chance and thank you for that morning when the last thing I
heard before going to my daily routine was you in my bed wishing me a good day
at work.
I hate you, and I love you and I miss you and it is not fair.
I can deal with that (or at least I think I can)
I wrote this 4 years ago. I know is full of sadness, and it has tons of mistakes and I still think the end of this story wasn't fair.
